i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
