Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
