my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
