Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
