is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
