Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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