You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
