GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
