I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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