I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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