Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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