why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
