I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
