I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
