On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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