I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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