Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
