we have pet lesbian snakes
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
