I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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