In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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