He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
