you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
