rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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