Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i think i have two assholes
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
