I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
