We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
