I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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