I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
