I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
