and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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