Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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