I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
