oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
