dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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