Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
"it" just moved
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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