I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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