She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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