I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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