do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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