I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
