Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
