Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
