I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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