What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My ass is underappreciated
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
