I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
