The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
