Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
