I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
