I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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