finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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