I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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