I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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