Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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