There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
